jacobjacobjacob

Dirty South Goth Weed Zombie. www.thisisjacobshelton.com
minorphrases:

“Don’t worry Doris, your keys are in there somewhere.” Teague and the rest of the hosts for the annual Half Easter Ice Cream Sandwich and Deviled Egg Soiree snickered to themselves until their tittering began to bleed from their pores and laughter shook their intestines. Teague’s best friend Burlow shattered a rib with all of his crowing about Doris and her lost keys.Teague wiped tears from his eyes and held his face in his hands.“Are you sure they’re down here? None of these feel very key-like to me.”“Oh sure. Just keep feeling around.”
Teague motioned for Burlow to bring out the bucket of crickets and a legion of cackles pierced the Half Easter night.

Listening to Glass Boys and reflagging myself when I should be writing. What did I used to do before I did nothing?

minorphrases:

“Don’t worry Doris, your keys are in there somewhere.” Teague and the rest of the hosts for the annual Half Easter Ice Cream Sandwich and Deviled Egg Soiree snickered to themselves until their tittering began to bleed from their pores and laughter shook their intestines. Teague’s best friend Burlow shattered a rib with all of his crowing about Doris and her lost keys.
Teague wiped tears from his eyes and held his face in his hands.
“Are you sure they’re down here? None of these feel very key-like to me.”
“Oh sure. Just keep feeling around.”

Teague motioned for Burlow to bring out the bucket of crickets and a legion of cackles pierced the Half Easter night.

Listening to Glass Boys and reflagging myself when I should be writing. What did I used to do before I did nothing?

minorphrases:

Jeff held out his fist to his adopted brother who kissed him on the knuckles before he punched me in the mouth. It was an oddly choreographed moment in what was possibly the world’s shortest bar fight. Esther and Danielle pushed Jeff through a row of stools as Greg picked me up over his shoulder and, for some reason, began to hum the theme to Chariots of Fire. In retrospect, I think he thought it was the song from Rocky. Maybe that’s why he ran in a faux slow motion. Faux motion? Floux Motion?
Jeff hollered that I was a pussy, that he would eat my lunch if he ever caught me at his bar again. 
I began to yell through the melee that it isn’t our actions that define us but the songs our friends sing as we gleefully run flee from danger, blood dripping from our mouths. Instead I ducked my head under the assault of sweet potato fries. It’s the 1924 Olympics and I am a pussy riding in a chariot of fire.

"Oh it’s International Literacy Day? I’ll use that as an excuse to post a short story about the time I got punched in the face. Then I’ll reblog it as a vague advertisement of my flash fiction and photography blog." Said Jacob. 

minorphrases:

Jeff held out his fist to his adopted brother who kissed him on the knuckles before he punched me in the mouth. It was an oddly choreographed moment in what was possibly the world’s shortest bar fight. Esther and Danielle pushed Jeff through a row of stools as Greg picked me up over his shoulder and, for some reason, began to hum the theme to Chariots of Fire. In retrospect, I think he thought it was the song from Rocky. Maybe that’s why he ran in a faux slow motion. Faux motion? Floux Motion?

Jeff hollered that I was a pussy, that he would eat my lunch if he ever caught me at his bar again. 

I began to yell through the melee that it isn’t our actions that define us but the songs our friends sing as we gleefully run flee from danger, blood dripping from our mouths. Instead I ducked my head under the assault of sweet potato fries. It’s the 1924 Olympics and I am a pussy riding in a chariot of fire.

"Oh it’s International Literacy Day? I’ll use that as an excuse to post a short story about the time I got punched in the face. Then I’ll reblog it as a vague advertisement of my flash fiction and photography blog." Said Jacob. 

minorphrases:

Mariel had been to the beach before. This was just as bad as the last time, possibly worse. The endless ebbing and flowing reminded her of the unstoppable passing of time, she wished the waves would break over her and drag under. She beckoned to the ocean, “just get it over with.” 
On the upside, since she had such uncanny luck with scratch offs she was able able to purchase 100 acres of sand, and a few miles of water as well. It was amazing what you could do with money these days. 

End of summer bummer.

minorphrases:

Mariel had been to the beach before. This was just as bad as the last time, possibly worse. The endless ebbing and flowing reminded her of the unstoppable passing of time, she wished the waves would break over her and drag under. She beckoned to the ocean, “just get it over with.” 

On the upside, since she had such uncanny luck with scratch offs she was able able to purchase 100 acres of sand, and a few miles of water as well. It was amazing what you could do with money these days. 

End of summer bummer.

The Unauthorized Saved By the Bell Story: The Shape of Screech to Come

I watched The Unauthorized Saved By The Bell Story last night on Lifetime so you didn’t have to. Here’s a spoiler, Screech say “Schwing” twice.

emilianadarling:

deanobanion:


"Horsemanning, or fake beheading, was a popular way to pose in a photograph in the 1920’s. Sometimes spelled horsemaning, the horsemanning photo fad derives its name from the Headless Horseman, a character from “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow.”

(x)

HUMAN BEING ARE AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN SUCH HUGE FUCKING DORKS OKAY.

emilianadarling:

deanobanion:

"Horsemanning, or fake beheading, was a popular way to pose in a photograph in the 1920’s. Sometimes spelled horsemaning, the horsemanning photo fad derives its name from the Headless Horseman, a character from “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow.”

(x)

HUMAN BEING ARE AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN SUCH HUGE FUCKING DORKS OKAY.

(via sizzlefruit)

minorphrases:

“Hey Glen, could you get that?” It would be a request that haunted Ted Dwyer for the next ten years. Beyond that it only came up in hushed conversations on the Fourth of July and Labor Day.“Dad do you remember that guy who used to flip burgers from across the fence? What was his deal? Did you ever actually invite him to any of our barbecues or was that like, his thing?”

Ted threw a bottle of twenty five year old single malt scotch against the wall of his modest suburban home. He didn’t want to talk about it.

Another thing I wrote. This isn’t about tv but I guess I could see how someone could really stretch the limits of their imagination and add the phrase “while they were watching television…” and oh no I just did it.

minorphrases:

“Hey Glen, could you get that?” It would be a request that haunted Ted Dwyer for the next ten years. Beyond that it only came up in hushed conversations on the Fourth of July and Labor Day.
“Dad do you remember that guy who used to flip burgers from across the fence? What was his deal? Did you ever actually invite him to any of our barbecues or was that like, his thing?”

Ted threw a bottle of twenty five year old single malt scotch against the wall of his modest suburban home. He didn’t want to talk about it.

Another thing I wrote. This isn’t about tv but I guess I could see how someone could really stretch the limits of their imagination and add the phrase “while they were watching television…” and oh no I just did it.

Nashville Season 2 Wrap-Up

Howdy ya’ll! Do you watch Nashville? Do you watch Nashville and think to yourself, “Why isn’t anyone blogging about this god damned show?” Or do you not watch the show but still want things to look at on the internet while you’re at work? Well good news! I’ll be writing episode recaps for the 3rd season of Nashville (premiering on September 24th) for Television Woodshed and I’ve started early by trying to recap the entire second season only to very quickly go off the rails. 

If brooding hunks in cowboy hats isn’t your style I’ll also be recapping brooding hunks who will soon become the Joker (Gotham), and brooding hunks* who run very fast (The Flash). So go check out the site, there are a lot of great writers doing the lords work (you know, watching television nd spouting opinions) and hopefully you’ll think it’s funny. Okay byeeeeeeee.

*There are multiple Flashes right?

obscurala:

verso:"J. R. York - son, DavidDaughter - Sue (With their ‘tater crop!)

This may be my favorite photo ever. I can’t stop laughing and I want french fries.

obscurala:

verso:
"J. R. York - son, David
Daughter - Sue
(With their ‘tater crop!)

This may be my favorite photo ever. I can’t stop laughing and I want french fries.

natbrut:

SALE! is Nat. Brut’s first ever print supplement! We’re compiling a newsprint publication similar to the coupon supplements you find in your Sunday newspaper. It will be composed entirely of fake advertisements; i.e. vintage ads, newspaper classifieds, coupons, local business phonebook ads, etc. Deadline: August 28th, 2014 at noon. 
SUBMIT today!

Have you submitted to Nat Brut’s SALE! issue yet? I like their journal, I like you, I think you guys would like each other. I’ve been trying to think of something to send in for two months and as of this morning I’m drawing a blank. Earlier this month I had an idea for a hammer and then a cupcake but I think I was just hungry and needed to do some maintenance around my apartment. Anyway, send them things.

natbrut:

SALE! is Nat. Brut’s first ever print supplement! We’re compiling a newsprint publication similar to the coupon supplements you find in your Sunday newspaper. It will be composed entirely of fake advertisements; i.e. vintage ads, newspaper classifieds, coupons, local business phonebook ads, etc. Deadline: August 28th, 2014 at noon. 

SUBMIT today!

Have you submitted to Nat Brut’s SALE! issue yet? I like their journal, I like you, I think you guys would like each other. I’ve been trying to think of something to send in for two months and as of this morning I’m drawing a blank. Earlier this month I had an idea for a hammer and then a cupcake but I think I was just hungry and needed to do some maintenance around my apartment.
Anyway, send them things.

tomlevinge:

He is very brightly broadcasting his emotions.  Not advised (too expensive.) 

I want to extend my gratitude to Tom for creating this lovely portrait of me. Of myself? You get it.

tomlevinge:

He is very brightly broadcasting his emotions.  Not advised (too expensive.) 

I want to extend my gratitude to Tom for creating this lovely portrait of me. Of myself? You get it.